April Fool

In 1729, the Foxboro Jaycees were formed under the auspices of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, continuing an 800 year tradition of community service and killing chipmunks. In 1813 we reorganized as a secret society, clandestinely manipulating global events for our own diabolical purposes. We also have a lovely arts and crafts fair on Foxboro Common each Spring. Yes, this is the April Fools Day Page, enjoy!


FOXBORO JAYCEES IN THE NEWS

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FOXBORO JAYCEES MAKE BID TO HOST THE 2024 OLYMPICS ON FOXBORO COMMON

The Olympic Flag now flies over the Foxboro Common Bandstand, where the Jaycees hope to host the Olympic games of 2024BREAKING NEWS, FOXBORO – April 1, 2015: In response to the massive statewide effort underway to bring the 2024 Olympics to Boston, the Foxboro Jaycees have launched a competitive counter-bid to host the Olympics on Foxboro Common instead, run solely by the Jaycees.

Jaycee president Tyrion Lannister explained, “The Jaycees are an international organization, and if we can handle a bingo night or a pancake breakfast, how hard can hosting the Olympics be? We have Foxboro Common – it’s all the venue you need! There’s ample parking, a bandstand for the opening and closing ceremonies, nearby Booth Field for overflow parking – I mean, it’s the OLYMPICS. It’s not like it’s a COMPLICATED sports event or anything.”

Lannister seemed confused by the looks he was getting from the assembled media and large crowd and added, “It’s time to bring SPORTS to Foxboro!”

That last statement stunned local media officials, ALL of the town’s residents, and this writer, into complete silence for several long minutes.

Earlier in the press conference, Lannister said that an exploratory committee of three members has been formed and a fact finder of $25.00 approved by the Jaycee board. A final ten page report with all the details and logistics for the two month-long international sporting event is expected within “a week or two.”

Jaycee Olympic 2024 chairman Jon Snow went on: “Our mandate is to have the Foxboro Jaycees bring ALL Olympic events to Foxboro Common in 2024 – summer and winter sports — we’d be in charge of EVERYTHING — we’ve already written a letter to town officials asking for permission to build a new Olympic athlete village / swimming pool / ten level shopping mall on the site of the old fire station, adjacent to the Common, which at 2400 square feet should be more than enough space. We just need to draw up some – oh, what’s that word… blueprints – yeah, that’s it. Also, we have already been asking for donations of lumber and nails and other stuff.”

The chairman elaborated that at the next General Membership meeting, the chapter will vote on whether to allocate, “Up to five hundred dollars to build new facilities and host the 2024 Olympics on Foxboro Common.”

Local and international media went wild, yelling, “You know nothing, Jon Snow!” and drowning out each other with questions of how the Foxboro Jaycees could possibly raise the additional millions of dollars in funds needed to afford such an expensive, herculean, international project, consisting of dozens of simultaneous competitive events and hosting thousands of athletes, and uncountable logistics, or manage potentially millions of spectators visiting the small town.

Ways and Means vice-president Catelyn Stark elaborated, “We will have aggressive fund raising — We’ll have car washes, ice scraper sales, sell some cookies and hold a few raffles for great prizes.” She seemed annoyed as she added, “Once again, you people in the media are overreacting as usual and are making a REALLY big deal out of this. Look, it’s JUST the OLYMPICS, how complicated can it be?”

That last statement brought the media to an awkward silence again as Jaycee publicity director and mother of dragons Daenerys Targaryen added, “We already have 6 members signed up to help and the event is still 12 years away! We hope to have a full Olympic committee of at least 20 members for opening events! We already have the Olympic flame all set up and ready to go!”

She pointed to a small fire pit in the center of Foxboro common with a “Dura flame” log placed inside.

Targaryen then unrolled a small poster board that read, ““The Foxboro Jaycees and Olympics 2024: The Winning Team!” and added, “We’re going all out and plan to make at least twenty of these to put around town!”

The Jaycees encourage everyone to follow the progress of this endeavor at their official website, http://NoSeriouslyTheJayceesAreHostingThe2024Olympics.org.com.notreally

Editor’s note: Town officials, International Olympics Committee officials, and anyone grounded in reality could not be reached for comment on this story.


SPOILER ALERT: FOXBORO JAYCEES ROLE IN NEW “SUPERMAN: MAN OF STEEL” MOVIE MUCH MORE THAN A CAMEO
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While hundreds of big-budget films have been filmed in Foxboro over the past decade, not many caused the stir as the new Zack Snyder film, MAN OF STEEL. And now, we can reveal that the Foxboro Jaycees’ role in the film is FAR more important than anyone imagined.

As everyone in Foxboro knows, the production company for the 2013 Superman movie filmed extensively in Foxboro during the summer of 2011. It was initially believed the crew was only filming crowd shots and images of our skyscrapers and downtown area, as it had already been reported by TMZ that Foxboro would double as the city of Metropolis.

Now, we can finally report that the Foxboro Jaycees filmed MANY key scenes with Clark Kent/Superman star Henry Cavill, and that it is the JAYCEES that convince young Clark Kent that, “Service to humanity is the best work of life,” words that resonate with the Kryptonian and convince him where his true path lies: SUPERMAN.

In the film, Kent, who has felt outcast and alone once he discovers his extraterrestrial origins, makes his way from the farm in Smallville (filled at Camp Lincoln Hill) to Metropolis. There, he attends a meeting of the Foxboro Jaycees (in the film, Metropolis Jaycees) and is immediately welcomed as a new member, quickly chairing such projects as Arbor Day concessions, and Bunker Hill Day pancake fiesta, but needs to unexpectedly reveal his incredible powers and abilities by saving the lives of 1500 passengers in a horrific blimp accident on Foxboro (Metropolis) Common caused by arch-villain General Zod.

After the spectacular save, Kent dons the familiar blue and red Superman uniform, and fights for truth, justice, and the Jaycee way.

Look for the film in theaters this spring, and remember, join the Foxboro Jaycees, our group is just… super!


FOXBORO JAYCEES INFORMATION NOW ON “COMPUTERS!!!”

New for 2011: The Foxboro Jaycees are elated to announce that we have joined the “technology revolution” and that we have started to “computerize” some of our information!!! That’s right!!! If you have one of the best-selling home computers such as the Commodore 64, Timex/Sinclair or Texas Instruments 99-4/a, you can actually use it to read the Jaycee bylaws or meeting minutes from last month!!! You can even PRINT these (if you have a dot matrix printer attachment and an RS232 cable interface).

We know this change may be jarring for many people, and it’s not the way we’ve always done it, so don’t worry, this information will still be available on paper at every meeting!!!

But with today’s fast-paced world, the Jaycees realize we need to keep up and start using this incredible new equipment. Our newly-created “microcomputer” division will consist of three members who will type in our meeting minutes and bylaws and save them to BOTH cassette and new “floppy” discs each month. (A floppy disk is a small plastic device that contains a magnetic fabric identical to cassette, but can hold MUCH more “data” (up to three pages of typed information!!!))

Imagine!!! No more need for carbon paper and mimeograph copies!!! You can actually load the minutes into your computer (using either the cassette tape data storage unit or, for our wealthier members, you can use a new “floppy disk drive.”) Just warm up your TV, connect the RF modulator, load your operating system, load the cassette (or disc), read in the file, and, fifteen minutes later, PRESTO!!! our agenda or bylaws are RIGHT ON YOUR TV SCREEN!!! It’s incredible!!!

Note: For best results, we recommend high-quality Radio Shack cassette tapes (plan to spend at least two dollars per tape).

As computers drop in price for less than $5000, we hope that more homes will have them (perhaps within the next ten years)!!! And, if industry hype is to be believed, within a few months you may even be able to EDIT the report!!!

As a leadership organization, we think that these new computers will become more and more popular and that years from now everyone will be using them. We’re even hosting a computer learning conference next month to help take the mystery out of chr$(32) and the GOSUB statement!!! So jump on the technology train with us!!! Next stop, the future!!!!!!!!!


BATMAN’S JAYCEE MEMBERSHIP REVOKED

In an unprecedented move, the Foxboro Jaycees have revoked the membership of its newest member. The Jaycee board, led by incoming president Selina Kyle, have taken the rare step of revoking the membership of Gotham City’s masked crime-fighter, The Batman.

Batman, recently re-located to Foxboro, who gave his address as “Stately Wayne Manor,” had applied to the chapter last month, and even submitted the required $32.50 membership fee. But immediately upon his swearing in, eyebrows were raised when he amended the Jaycee oath with, “I seek … the means to fight injustice. To turn fear against those who prey on the fearful. People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy. As a symbol, I can be incorruptible. I can be everlasting.”

Then, the Batman attacked a member who accidentally neglected to pay 50 cents for bottle of water, growling, “You criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot! You’ll be in a padded cell forever!” Later, when another member made a motion to accept the Community Development Report, Batman hurled a batarang at the podium, saying that that “What about “bashing in the heads of evil-doers?” why isn’t THAT on the community development agenda?”

Also, when his motion for a new line item for a Bat-Signal to be installed on the Foxboro Police Commissioner’s office was denied (mainly because Foxboro doesn’t have a commissioner), the Batman said cryptically, “Forget it, I’m a billionaire, I’ll pay for it myself. I’m Batman!”

Even his “remarks for the good of the chapter” were cryptic; he mumbled, “You ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?” before vanishing in a puff of smoke.

In the final straw, at the recent Jaycee “Happy-Clown Circus Day” at the Adam West Pavilion, when the circus clowns arrived to entertain the children, the Batman unleashed a savage beating against the entertainers, stating that, “The Joker must be stopped at any cost. Justice MUST prevail! Tell THAT to your clown prince!”

Jaycee president Kyle issued a statement saying, “While we appreciate all of the Batman’s work bringing criminals to justice over the years in his home city, we feel that just Foxboro is very different than Gotham City and doesn’t require Batman’s brand of vigilante justice. Unlike Gotham, super-villains rarely try to take over Foxboro with Smilex gas, or unleash rocket-propelled penguins in crime sprees, or even crash the monorail system to unleash fear-toxin into the waterways.”

She paused and added, “Well, that last one may be because we don’t have a monorail here. But look, the last super-villain attack here was, what, when the vampires arrived in 1997? And all we had to do was wait for the sun to come up and they burst into flames. Problem solved.”

She continued, “Batman’s methodology is far more violent and uncontrolled, and it’s not the Jaycee way. For example, we Jaycees define community service by our popular events, such as the blueberry pie toss, the fun run for to find a cure for hypochondriacs, sand for seniors, and our heavy-metal goth fest on the Common each May. To be blunt, Batman has anger-management issues, and he’s just not a good fit for our group, but we wish him well.”

Batman’s attorney, a Mr. Alfred Pennyworth, could not be reached for comment.


FOXBORO JAYCEES IN THE NEWS

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FOXBORO JAYCEES APPEAR IN NEW “FAMILY GUY” EPSIODE!

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Fox-TV has confirmed that the April 1 episode of “Family Guy” will feature an appearance by the Foxboro Jaycees! In the episode, Stewie and Brian head north from Quahog Rhode Island to Foxboro and immediately cause problems in our home town. While Brian makes an impassioned speech to the Foxboro Selectman about “The dog park from a dog’s perspective,” Stewie realizes that a logical first step to his quest for world domination is becoming leader of the Foxboro Jaycees. Hilarious high jinks ensue, and at the end, the duo leads the Jaycees through Foxboro in a joyful musical number.


FOXBORO JAYCEES PURCHASE A “CAMERA” TO TAKE “PHOTO-GRAPHS!!!”

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New for 2014! Hot on the heels of the “Computer Revolution of 2011,” in a very close vote, the Foxboro Jaycees general membership has approved an expense line item to purchase a “camera” to take photographic images at Foxboro Jaycee events. After months of research and fact-finding, the committee approved the purchase of an “Instantload Cartridge” model of “camera.”

While this “camera” retails for well over three hundred dollars at such high-end stores as Zayres, Kresgees and Woolworth’s, after much negotiation, the Jaycees secured a comparable model at Lechmere for only $249.99, along with two packages of flash “cubes” and three rolls of 12 exposure film, which should be more than enough for the year’s events.

“Yeah, it’s unproven new technology, but these “cameras” really seem popular with kids these days,” said Jaycee president Elena Gilbert. “And the Jaycees have always been about jumping on the “technology” bandwagon.”

Community development VP Damon Salvatore added, “It’s so much fun to actually take a photographic image – image that! — at one of our events, and then, a month later, after the roll of 12 exposure film has been all used, we mail it in to be developed, and anxiously wait for the photographs to come back! It’s incredible to relive those great memories! I think we may be onto a new trend here!”

The “camera”,” shown above, features modern flash “cube” technology, allowing (if the hype is to be believed) four photographic images to be taken by “flash” (a burst of light that illuminates low-lighting conditions such as an indoor room) before replacing the cube.

When asked about the purchase, Jaycee biographer Lauren Bitar couldn’t hide her enthusiasm: “These are very popular with the Royals,” she beamed, adding, “I want the entire room photographed!” Of course, the chapter isn’t about to lay out THAT kind of money for so many photographic images, but everyone seems to like the new investment.

The first test looks promising. Of the five photographic images that came out from the 12-exposure roll, the chapter was wowed that the new “camera” not only takes traditional black and white, but *****COLOR***** photographs that appear in murky shades of pale green, washed-out blue, and faded red.

“It’s awe-inspiring. The Jaycees have really moved into the 20th century with this investment,” said Ways & Means VP Bonnie Bennet. “We really think this “photographic picture taking” thing is going to really take off and are hopeful that as prices drop we will be able to afford more film and developing costs, and perhaps one day even create a scrapbook of photo-graphs!”

In the meantime, be sure to stop by the next General Membership Meeting at the community center and check out the bulletin board for the new “photographs!”


JayceeBumperStickerFOXBORO JAYCEES ACCUSE NATIONAL MEDIA OUTLETS OF IGNORING ANNUAL JAYCEE BOARD ELECTION; ALSO CONSIDER ABOLISHING USE OF ELECTORAL COLLEGE TO DECIDE WINNER OF JAYCEE CHAPTER ELECTIONS

Foxboro, April 1, 2016: The Foxboro Jaycees have once again called out the mainstream media for a complete lack of coverage of the Foxboro Jaycees annual chapter elections. Outgoing Foxboro Jaycee chapter president Abigail Mills issued a statement saying, “Every time there’s a US Presidential election – and it seems more and more like they have these things every few years – what’s up with that???!!!  Anyway, it seems like whenever the country wants to elect a president, media coverage of the Foxboro Jaycees board of director elections are COMPLETELY ignored. I mean, the Foxboro Jaycees annual board election is IMPORTANT and there has been NO nationwide media coverage of any kind in like, EVER.”

Indeed, exhaustive research (Wikipedia) shows that it is a FACT that over the past year, not one of the major national news outlets including CNN, Fox News, Huffington Post, Daily Planet, ABC, NBC nor CBS – covered ANY of the 17 Foxboro Jaycee chapter election debates, nor the Foxboro Jaycees chapter primaries, nor even the heated exchange between Foxboro Jaycee presidential candidates Jake Peralta (R), Rosa Diaz (D) and Terry Jeffords (I). Further, there is overwhelming evidence to support the contention that a Foxboro Jaycees election has NEVER been covered by the national media.

media-outletsDespite that, all three candidates for Foxboro Jaycees president (not to mention the initial pool of 37 who have since dropped out) have spent the last 10 months traveling nationwide, making speeches, meeting with local and town officials, hosting town halls, searching for delegates, and attending caucuses coast-to-coast. At each stop, national media coverage has been non-existent.

Which has led many people in other states to ask exactly WHY the Foxboro Jaycee candidates are traveling to the 49 other states soliciting votes, when in reality the choice of Foxboro Jaycee chapter offices is made ONLY by members of the Foxboro Massachusetts Jaycees chapter by a show of hands at the April meeting.

“It’s actually a very quiet, simple matter,” explained longtime Jaycee Gina Linetti. We vote in the new board, there’s a nice round of applause, and a week or two later the new officers get sworn in at the installation banquet, and we have a lovely dinner. I usually have the chicken and potatoes.”

Officials in other states also wondered why the Foxboro Jaycees were campaigning coast-to-coast as well.

Alderman Charles Boyle of Helene, Montana said, “I met all three candidates, and they seem very nice, and I appreciated them all telling me my vote matters, but it really doesn’t – I don’t live in Massachusetts and Montana has its own Jaycees.”

Mayor Amy Santiago of Lawrence, Kansas, added, “I tried to explain to each candidate that while we’re always happy to have visitors from the great state of Massachusetts, the fact remains that Kansas – and the other 49 states – have nothing whatsoever to do with an election of a Jaycee board in a town in Massachusetts. Only members of that local chapter have a say in who gets voted in. That’s how all chapters do that. It is a solely local town or city chapter decision.”

Foxboro Jaycee election official Raymond Jacob Holt was initially stunned by this information, and then conceded that it might be time for the Foxboro Jaycees to at least remind candidates for office that it is not necessary to campaign in the 49 other states (or indeed, outside Foxboro). Hold added, begrudgingly that is also might be time to abolish the use of the Electoral College in the Foxboro Jaycee election, as no area of the country (including Foxboro) has EVER reported Jaycee election results in the 432 year history of the chapter.

“This WOULD explain why every election night, my staff and I call thousands of election wards nationwide for the Foxboro Jaycee Electoral College results and no one has EVER had results available. Or that no one even knew what we were talking about, for that matter.”

Note: Calls to CNN, Fox News, Huffington Post, Daily Planet, ABC, NBC nor CBS were not immediately returned because they were apparently never made.


BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE JOIN THE FOXBORO JAYCEES

In a move that surprised no one, celebrity superstars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have joined the Foxboro Jaycees.The super couple, who met on Foxboro Common a few years back, went on to mega-stardom in movies, television, and adopting lots of children.Jolie and Pitt are no strangers to Foxboro, having filmed dozens of movies in town over their illustrious careers, including “The Ferret From Beyond The Stars,” “The Wailing Famous Dudes From Camelot,” “Day Of The Sneaky Macro-Freaks From The Phantom Zone (In 3-D)”, “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” “Gia,” and “Bride Of The Thingy From The Stone Age.”

Jolie explained that her role as Goodwill ambassador of the UN and her humanitarian work make her a natural for the community service of the Foxboro Jaycees. “You have the greatest chapter of the Jaycees in the nation, and I figured I could become your ambassador or something.”

Pitt went on, “We’re so famous and everyone loves us, and we agreed about the only way to stay on tabloid covers is to keep doing things. So here we are!”

In a completely unrelated story, the president of the Foxboro Jaycees, Jennifer Aniston, resigned her position today.


JAYCEES ABOLISH ROBERT’S RULES OF ORDER

By a unanimous vote, the Foxboro Jaycee bylaws will be amended on April 1, 2010 to abolish Robert’s Rules of Order and Parliamentary Procedure from all meetings.

The move was initiated by chapter secretary Zowie Mimosa, who had a nervous breakdown at a recent membership meeting when a member asked her to read back his, “Motion to amend the question to commit or refer, or recommit the objection to the consideration of a question whether to ratify the point of order on the original motion which was seconded to withdraw the request to table the amended motion of using the coupon to order three pizzas, two with cheese, one with extra pepperoni.”

The chapter immediately realized that the time for decorum had simply passed, approving the motion with a rousing cry of, “So say we all!”

Longtime Jaycee Ted Crilly was quoted as saying that meetings tend to be “livelier” with the new rules. “If you’re allowed by bylaw to throw a heavy object at someone who says something you don’t like, it really encourages attendance at meetings.” He elaborated, “Let’s say there’s a motion on the floor. You can say, “Any discussion?” according to those wimpy parliamentary thingies, or you can stare everyone down and ask, “You wanna piece of me?” Bottom line, the new approach makes for much faster meetings and things get done.”

Another chapter member, Billy Valinor, added, “It’s a new millennium. It really is time to get back to the good old days of intimidation, changing the subject, citing irrelevant facts or logic, employing false premises, hearsay, innuendo, name calling, playing on widely held fears or fantasies, questioning the motives of the opponent, redefining words, rejecting facts or logic as opinion, sarcasm, theatrical fake laughter or sighs, unqualified expert opinion, and international vagueness.”


JAYCEE BOOK CLUB

As usual, this month’s meeting will at 8:00 at Betty’s house.

PLEASE remember our rules!

  1. You don’t talk about book club.
  2. You don’t talk about book club.
  3. Only ten people to a book club fight.
  4. One book club fight at a time.
  5. The book club fights go on as long as they have to.
  6. If this is your first night at book club, you have to fight.

Members: Please note that to hopefully avoid a repeat of last month’s police involvement, please leave all sharp objects, tasers, and chains in their car.

Snacks will be served.


“STAR TREK” FAN GROUP DEMANDS JAYCEE CREED BE ALTERED TO EMBRACE IDIC

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More chaos this week for the Foxboro Jaycees when a hardcore group of Star Trek fans stormed the Jaycees board meeting, insisting that a line of the creed discriminates against non-humans.

The leader of the group, who identified herself as Betty Zoon, but prefers to be known by her callsign of Admiral T’Pol of the Starship Surek, stated that the creed line, “Service to HUMANITY is the best work of life,” discriminates against non-human races, such as the Romulans, Klingons, Cardassians, Ferengi, Denobulans, and hundreds of other extraterrestrial races. She suggested a better line would be, “Service to life throughout the known galactic multiverse” would be fairer.

Jaycee president Kara Thrace did her best keep order, reminding the assembled group that no change to the creed is needed — While beloved, Star Trek is a TV SHOW and that as far as the people of Earth know at this time in history, there are no other forms of life in the universe .

Unfortunately, that was all longtime Jaycee Bob Gillis needed to jump in and add, “But there MIGHT be life elsewhere…” explaining the Drake equation at length, which determines the statistical likelihood of intelligent life somewhere else in the galaxy. After he finally shut up, the Jaycee board did acknowledge the POSSIBILITY of other life in the universe, and said that ANY extraterrestrial was welcome to join the Jaycees provided they were at least 18 Earth years old and could pay the $32.50 fee.

“But money isn’t used in the 24th century!” the Star Trek group shouted, setting off another firestorm of argument.

The debate went well into the night, but Jaycee Community Development VP Lee Adama finally made headway when he tumbled upon an elegant solution. He asked the Star Trek group, “Are you saying you’re from the future?”

“Yes, the 24th century,” said one half of the Star Trek group.

“23rd!” retorted the other half of the Star Trek delegation. “Picard’s a jerk, Kirk rules!”

“Well,” Lee Adama continued, not wanting to be dragged into the old “Who’s the better captain” thing, “I believe we have a solution. You’re back here in 2013, in violation of the prime directive. “

“In this case,” Bob Gillis interrupted, “It would be the TEMPORAL prime directive.”

“Not helping, Bob,” Adama shot back with a baleful glare. “NOT helping.” He addressed the Trekkers again. “If you cause us to change the bylaws here in the 21st century before Earth encounters the Klingons or Romulans, we risk changing the entire space-time continuum. Any bylaw change to include extraterrestrials needs to wait until we contact them!”

“Yes! In 2063 when the Vulcans land in Montana and meet Zephram Cochran!” Said Zoon.

A very long awkward silence followed.

“Uh…. Yeah…” Adama finally concurred. “So I would like to make a motion that we move the question for now.”

THAT seemed to satisfy the Trek group, who then left the room, arguing how Khan could look so different in Star Trek: Into Darkness when the alternate reality was created AFTER Nero’s arrival in 2233. A motion made to discuss the nature of alternate realities was unanimously opposed, at least in THIS universe.


JAYCEES ANNOUNCE MOST AMBITIOUS HAUNTED HOUSE EVER

Foxboro—Jaycees Lauren Bitar and Robert Gillis announced today they would chair the 2012 Jaycee Haunted House at Camp Lincoln Hill Foxboro.

“2012 is the will be the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking, so we’re going to do Haunted Titanic,” Bitar exclaims. “We plan to build a full scale replica of the Titanic and flood Camp Lincoln Hill with 500,000 gallons of seawater, and each room will represent a scene from the movie, with a haunted house theme.”

When asked why the entire chapter had voted down the idea, citing the ludicrous expense, not to mention the ecological disaster and fallout from flooding Camp Lincoln Hill, Bitar said, “It’s Titanic itself, people don’t share our enthusiasm for it, our attention to detail.” She sighed heavily. “The chapter can be blasé about some things but NOT about Titanic!”
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Breaking: Foxboro Common collapses after first iceberg delivered.  On the plus side, we now have a gorgeous lake in the center of town.

CAMPING HIKING TRIP PICTURES!

Many thanks to everyone who sent in pictures of the camping hiking trip! Looks like it was a great time as usual!

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FOXBORO JAYCEES INTRODUCE ABBREVIATED CREED

In a move that stunned Jaycee chapters nationwide, the Foxboro Jaycees have changed the familiar Jaycee creed to a much shorter version.

“Don’t get us wrong,” explained Jaycee Chapter President Martha Bach, “We love the creed and everything it stands for, and abide by its principles, but to be honest, it’s just too much to ask tired members at the end of the general membership meeting to recite something from memory.”

Jaycee Burt Johnson elaborated, “We get to the “remarks for the good of the chapter,” and Jaycees like Bob Gillis just go on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and by the time we’re standing for the creed, I just have no energy to drive home, let alone recite a six line creed.”

The new, abbreviated creed is as follows: “We believe … mumble, mumble, mumble, greatest work of life.”


NEW HAUNTED HOUSE AT BOOTH PLAYGROUND

The Foxboro Jaycees are elated to announce that the first of seventeen buildings from Camp Lincoln Hill, used in six haunted houses, has been dismantled, moved and restored at the new Haunted House location on Booth Playground.

There was some outcry from a few local crybabies as the skate park, baseball field, playground, and Igo school were demolished to make room for the seventeen ancient structures, but as one Jaycee observed, “The Jaycee Haunted House is an important part of Foxboro History that must be preserved!”

The “Guide/Makeup” building, pictured here at the new location, was the obvious choice to go first. The much beloved building was used for makeup, costume preparation, food, and was the setting of unholy rituals, blood sacrifices to the queen of the fallen angels, and five John Denver Christmas specials.

The project is a Herculean one, as the Jaycees descended upon Camp Lincoln Hill in early 2006 and painstakingly disassembled each of the seventeen buildings and stored them in liquid nitrogen until they could be moved and reassembled.

The buildings, some of which are over fifty years old, were condemned because Camp Lincoln Hill is haunted by an evil spirit called Zancou. The new location is definitely not haunted, except for the evil clown in the nearby sewer.

The project is expected to be completed in time for the 2009 Haunted House, “The Haunted Ski Lodge”


2009 CONCERTS ON THE COMMON SCHEDULE ANNOUNCED

The 2009 Foxboro Jaycees Concerts on the Common schedule has been finalized! Join us each Thursday between 3:00am-5:00am as we proudly present our “Summer Concerts on the Common” series.

Shows begin Thursday July 5 and run on the second Thursday of every other week thereafter, except during holiday weeks when the show will be on Wednesday evening. In the event of rain the show is held the previous week.

This season offers something for everyone and all concerts are FREE!

  • High School band – Join our very talented local high school band as they kick off the summer season with an evening of traditional Christmas carols.
  • The Arthur Bach Philharmonic – Country/Western band with a Celtic twist
  • Bionic Foxboro And The Crude Resistance – The music of Yanni set to a heavy metal grunge beat — SOLD OUT!
  • Zeta Reticula – Alaska’s favorite Gothic hip-hop trio!
  • Merciful Waffles and the Zodiac – The music of the opera A Midsummer Night’s Dream set to a libretto adapted by the composer and Frank Sinatra from William Shakespeare’s play (note: performed in the original Norse language)
  • ABBA – Reunited on Foxboro Common — first concert in almost thirty years!
  • Extreme Malice and the Extra-strength Outrage – End the season with these feel-good songs we all love!

RIOT AT JAYCEE EASTER EGG HUNT FORCES CHANGE IN VENUE

As widely reported in the media, last year’s festivities at the annual Easter Egg Hunt turned chaotic.

Expecting about 300 kids, the Jaycees were horrified when an estimated crowd of three million people descended on Foxboro Common.

The unruly mob soon discovered that there weren’t enough eggs for everyone – and a group calling themselves the “Penny Candy Brigade” took the Easter Bunny hostage and demanded more caramels, green jelly beans and tootsie rolls.

Then, a Good & Plenty beaned someone in the head, and rioting began.

After four hours of intense fighting, the riot squad was able to disperse the crowd with tear gas and a large supply of marshmallow peeps.

To avoid a repeat, this year’s Easter Egg Hunt will be at the Foxboro Aquarium, to protect the Easter Bunny. To ensure everyone’s safety, rather than Easter Eggs, we will be handing out free coupons to anger management workshops. Happy Easter to all!


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